Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
