Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
