im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Life is so much better after having sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
