It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
