I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
