ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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