I don't usually arrange sex via text message
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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