IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
