I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
