woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
