So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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