The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
