im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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