I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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