Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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