the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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