I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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