he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
