i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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