take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
