textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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