I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
