new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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