Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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