I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize