I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My vagina is officially offended.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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