I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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