Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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