Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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