i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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