Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize