the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
