I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
