I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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