oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
