I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
