I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
