The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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