On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
