Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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