I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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