I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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