and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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