I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
