I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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