I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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