weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
