I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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