I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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