Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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