i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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