Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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