my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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