A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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