Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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