i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
