Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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