I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
