i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
