Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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