and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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