Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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