I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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